I'm Back (I hope!!!)

I haven't written in so long! So much has gone on in this past year, it has been one of the most difficult years of my life. I have sometimes thought of potential blog posts but haven't written them.
I want to return to this format of journaling aspects of my life; My hope is that it will be of help to me.

So the biggest change is I have a new job! I now work as an OT in home health and it has been a good learning experience and I'm thankful for good coworkers and patients. Long story but I got the boot from the nursing home. Last year, a private company that specializes in providing therapists to nursing homes took over our rehab department. Essentially I lost my position for not being "productive" enough for their (unrealistic) standards which is definied as strictly billable time. I absolutely detest the word productive thanks to last year!!! I was harassed by the company throughout the year, ie that if I didn't improve my billable time, I'd lose my job. Somewhere in my draft email I have a draft blog that details some of this.

This has also been a year that has been extra hard due to the being single at this age thing. Everyone who is single at this age has a different story and different situation, and we shouldn't ever judge or criticize those who have spells of feeling depressed. Because I am so private in this area, people don't know the details of my journey in this area. Another hard part of this is the realization that I probably most likely won't get to have my own child in this life. And that really hurts to the core of my soul. I try so hard to be happy for others who get to have children, and I feel badly that my joy for others isn't as full as it should be since there is a part of me that wishes I too could have that same happiness. Yes I can serve and listen to hymns and pray but it is still hard and I have yet to come to a place of "peaceful acceptance" in this area. I've prayed for a long time that if no guy is going to like me and if I'm not going to be able to get married, then for Heavenly Father to please remove those desires to be married and have a child from me. My thought is if the feelings of pain can be removed, then I can be more productive in the areas that really matter, ie in giving better service to others and radiating a happier countenance. But these feelings don't go away and I feel I spend more time feeling unhappy about my circumstance than I should and I am not as effective in my daily doings as I'd like to be.

Anyway. Enough for now!!!

Lessons from Bingo!

Recently the activities department in our nursing home has been offereing LOTS of bingo! Like almost every day, it seems! Sometimes, it has even been offered twice a day!

The patients love bingo, it is surely a nursing home staple. However, sometimes as a therapist it is a challenge to schedule therapy around bingo or other activities. For example sometimes I've had three patients who want to go to bingo, so I do my best to accommodate this desire!

At our place, the bingo "prize" is a coupon that is redeemable at a later date for some candy or other small items. Years ago I volunteered at a nursing home where they gave dimes as prizes.

When my patients go to bingo, I wish each person "good luck", knowing that each person won't win. Yet the patients who play bingo arrive in the room with smiles and anticipation of enjoying a good time with their friends.

On a recent day, I asked one of my patients if she had won a bingo. She had not, and she continued to tell me "but I had fun anyway!"

I love that remark, I think it is a profound lesson. So often we won't win in whatever we do, or we won't have the success desire in a certain endeavor. While winning bingo is something that is sort of predetermined in its outcome, by virute of the cards one has and the way the balls roll out of the spinner,  experiencing joy in life is not predetermined.

I want to do better at living so that whether or not things go as I would like and hope for that I "have fun anyway" and find joy in all that I do.

Angel Rescue

Tonight I had a couple experiences that helped me feel of Heavenly Father's love in a couple of meaningful ways. Perhaps these would be deemed insignificant to most people. But they were at the perfect time for me!

Tonight I went to a popular hamburger place in Arlington. I've never been to that place. The purpose was to enjoy dinner with several people with whom I'd gone on a humanitarian trip to Guatamala. Since a couple of the leaders of our organization were in town, we were having a mini reunion!

So to get to this place, first I had to drive a busy route that involves circling through the Pentagon North exit. I did ok, and the GPS helped me! But then I got confused and missed a turn. I get stressed in these situations..then the brilliant sunlight was shining so late in the evening- even though it was 5:15PM or so, the sun was painfully bright in my eyes. Finally,  I got near the place but I couldn't find parking, so I backtracked and again attempted to find a parking space.

I found a couple of possible parking spots- all pay spots. I was planning to get one of those and thought I would walk several blocks to the restaurant. Then I circled in a shopping center thinking maybe that had the place- it did! And guess what? I found a parking spot DIRECTLY in front of the restaurant! It felt like winning a lottery of sorts!

I don't mind walking but it is stressful parking in that type of situation and it somehow made me feel special!
Then inside to meet my Guat peeps. The restaurant was quite the busy place.  Seats were hard to find and there was long lines. I was one of the first ones there, and some in our group were running late. One other guy from our group was there, he waited outside looking for our gang.

I hoped to be helpful, so I tried to reserve a table so we'd have a place to sit once everyone arrived. We would ultimately have 8 in our group, but at the time, I had a table for 4. The line would be long, I thought everyone would arrive shortly, so I didn't see harm in trying to stake out a spot.

Two employees came by cleaning, by now I'd noticed the signs posted that said 'not to sit/reserve a table until you had a "number" for your food. Oops! I realized that several such signs were around the store. (you order the food, then get a number to place on the table and they bring the food to you) My plan was to hold the table for our group, let them order, then I'd go order.

So I told the twoemployees that I was sorry I didn't see the sign, but they kindly said it was OK to sit there.

Then an older middle aged lady- I am guessing in her late 60s?- saw me and asked if the table was reserved. I politely said yes. SHE then said I couldn't sit there due to the signs indicating not to reserve!

Uh oh!!
I kindly replied that two employees told me I can stay there. At this point, this lady  became a tad irate- ie she shook her head at me and her nonverbal language indicated annoyance- and she muttered she was going to tell/report this situation.

Really, I am not one to make a scene or get into a disagreement with a stranger.

By now she was actually getting ready to sit at another table.

Right at that moment when she started getting upset at me, I started to get up to give her the table. I calmly said "Here Ma'am".

And at that same moment, a true ANGEL came to my rescue. One of of the employees who delivers the food to the tables saw me start to get up to vacate the table and he said for me to stay sitting. Then he quickly, quietly and discreetly stuck a "fake number 1" on my table so that no one else would hassle me as it would appear I'd already ordered!!

And the lady moved across the room, to a smaller table for her and her dinner guest..

As it turned out,  two of guys from our group said to go ahead and give up the table, since the others were running so late,etc.  All worked out, we got a good table! I returned the "#1 tag" to my Angel!

I told him that in him, I found an Angel in this restaurant!

High Heels and Hearts

I  recently heard a single man say in looking for someone to date how he looks at a woman's shoes- are they high heels or more "practical flats" (his word choice). Seriously? There were other things too that weren't right in what he said, but that was the more outlandish remark.

He may be missing someone wonderful based on her desire to wear high heels!

It is so good to remember these words, to remember that the Lord judges us not by the shoes on our feet but by the love in our heart!

from 1 Samuel 16:7
 But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as a man seeth; for man looketh on the outward cappearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.

Being a friend of the Savior

One of my deepest hopes and desires is to be a good person, a peson with whom Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ will be pleased and happy.

However sometimes I waste my time in feeling hurt by things that others do.

For example, think of facebook. I recall a coworker a couple years ago saying that it is "the dumbest thing for adults." I both agree and disagree with her. For sure, it is a deep timewaster for me. I've got to do better at keeping away from it. Yet, I sort of enjoy Facebook. For me, facebooking is sort of like a virtual neighborhood. I enjoy glimpsing the quick checks on how friends- local and far away!

Sometimes as those who use facebook know, people "defriend".This means that essentially they sever ties at that website with the person, removing them from the list of friends.

Over the last couple years, I've noticed several have done this to me. And I know that this sounds totally dumb. But it hurts!! One time recently  I realized that I hadn't seen updates on a friend who had moved. So I checked her page to see how she was doing. And I noticed it said "add as friend". I'd been deleted! It did kind of hurt, for I had tried to be kind to this person-I had served her children in a calling, I had given her a baby shower gift, I had helped with a service task, and I had made an effort to reach out in another situation. Not that any of that should matter. I had respected this person, listened to her stories at a gathering with friends.

In another situation, a person had asked me for some minor assistance in what was an urgent situation. I tried to give comfort when the situation was resolved in an unhappy way. On another occasion, I went a little out of my way to do a very small service for them- delivering an item to their home- so that they wouldn't need to make an extra trip.

The last situation I will mention is a guy who I tried to help orient to singles stuff. He was a new male convert, and someone had asked me to help educate him on the local singles scene. We had talked in person about this, and I had sent him a couple emails with information on how to join the local email lists. Yet eventually he also defriended me! Oh well- I am so good that some time later, when our area began the new singles ward, I sent him information on that ward.

Yet defriending hurts.

I realize I have the weakness of being a deeply shy and overly sensitive person. Sometimes I struggle to trust the kindness of others to me, an issue I am trying to conquer.

 Unfortuneately I've allowed some childhood hurts to impact me off and on through my adulthood. I hate that I am this way. It is actually something that I thought I had overcome, but the last few months much of this pain has resurfaced as I've tried to figure out why I am how I am.

Anyway, all I mean to say is this "defriending" somehow hurts to some extent. I do realize people move on and that people have a limited number of people that they can concentrate on.

For sure friendship is far more essential than the superficial level that frequently exists on facebook. I want real, true, sincere friends.

What comforts me when I feel that slight sting that someone do that so and so doesn't want to be my friend is to remember that Savior will never defriend me. There is a beautiful scripture in Hebrews that says, "I will never leave you, nor forsake you." That scripture gave me so much strength some years ago when I was going through a rough spot.

I also find comfort in thinking of my patriarchal blessing. There is a line in it that referes to my going through occasional bouts of loneliness and isolation in life and it lovingly counsels me to remember the "Savior is my Eternal Friend".

It makes me think that I need to be sure that I never defriend Him and that I strive to do all I can to be a good friend to Him by doing all I can to be obedient and to do my best to love and serve others and to try to be a better friend to others.

Life Goes On!!! Woo- HOO!!

What an exciting day!! By now, everyone knows we had a 5.8 earthquake here in the DC area.

Here are some of the thoughts I've had the last few hours!

When the earthquake first hit, I actually did not recognize what was occurring. I was on the first floor of the nursing home in which I work. I was in the room of one of my patients, waiting for this nearly independent patient to finish using the commode. As I waited in this person's room, I felt the ground moving and vibrating below my feet. My initial thought was that furniture was being moved upstairs, for our dedicated maintenance staff is constantly moving furniture around, for example when they move patient beds around. So for a split second I thought they were moving the beds. Then I thought the movement was due to the construction on the addition to our building. Then through the window, I saw a coworker looking baffled as she walked a patient. In the back of my mind I was thinking could this be an earthquake but I wasn't sure- then I heard someone shout EARTHQUAKE and I ran into the bathroom to get my patient! The person is nearly independent- but I ran into help this individual and said we had to get out of there!

Immedietely I was grateful that I had not been crushed to death!  And I was grateful my patient had not fallen and had the ability and insight to hold the safety rail when the toilet had begun shaking! Yikes! Afterwards we shared a laugh as this person contemplated their "where were you when the earthquake hit" story. Oh the joys of being an occupational therapist! And again I was grateful this person was safe and had not been injured.

I am so grateful that life is continuing how I'm used to living. I am grateful that people were not killed and that most buildings were safe. I am thankful beyond thankfulness that nothing has been damaged in my home. My workplace is intact. Sure many people had to sit in lots of traffic to get home. But our collective lives will continue on! This was not a "before" and "after" life changing event like so many millions in the world have experienced in times of natural disasters.

Later in the afternoon, my coworkers shared cake with a young temporary summer coworker who is returning to college. Today was his last day for the summer and we celebrated with cake. In a way, I thought it was also a celebration of life. This young man will get to go back to school and complete his education. Learning continues! The world goes on!

I also thought of another patient - a very sweet and caring person- who resides in our nursing home. This person would be the perfect grandmother, she radiates love and kindness. Often during the two or three years I've known this lady, she has greeted me with a kind hello. Allow me to share what I wrote about this person a couple weeks ago on my facebook status:

Today one of the sweet ladies that frequently sits at the nurses station waved me over to her. Usually in this situation, people need something- a tissue, a drink, or they need someone to get them help for something. So I went over to this lady expecting her to ask me to do something. But she just took my hand & kissed it twice!! Sweet moment I will remember.

Sadly in the last few days, this individual has taken a turn for the worse and is what we in nursing home land refer to as "declining". If we see this written, it is sort of a code word to go up and say good-bye to patients. I had planned to go visit her at the end of my workday when I am typically less stressed. However, early this afternoon, after lunch, I was having difficulty getting to treat my last three patients. Two people were still eating lunch. And another person was with visitors. So until someone was ready to work with me,  I did some documentation notes. After working on the notes, I decided I'd go visit this sweet lady before attempting to see if my patients were ready for therapy. I visited the lady for a couple minutes about 30 minutes before the earthquake.

When I went up to say hi to this person, she was sleepy, her eyes were closed. I held her hand and felt her squeeze my hand. I gave her a couple kisses on her forehead. I only stayed for a brief time- but I wanted to visit with her just in case. This Sunday, I am going out of town and will be gone for two weeks. (I will be going to Kenya for a volunteer service trip, more on that in some other post). Anyway, as I left her room, I hoped that she will somehow bounce back from her current situation. I hope the people who say she is declining are wrong. But just in case, I wanted to make sure to say goodbye just in case she isn't here when I return.

Then the earthquake hit! As I reflected on my afternoon, I thought of that lady who could quite possibly be in her last days of life and not to sound too weird, but it made me think of how you just never know what will happen. Crazy things can happen at all times in life! We never know what surprises we will encounter during our journey through life. In the case of this lasy who is in her 90s, she has surely been through countless challenges and trials in life yet when she least expects it, here comes yet one more thing.

Life is fun! Life is good! I get to go to Kenya, this trip wasn't jinxed by the earthquake. And this hurricane that is coming this weekend had better not jink it either! OK hurricane? I do not want to miss my flight to my once in a lifetime adventure because of you!! Is that a fair thing to ask? Got it?

OK! Here is looking forward to a GREAT day tomorrow and every day! :)

Funny comments from nursing home land

I love the things our sursing home patients sometimes say. They are gems, they make me smile. And also they make me hope that I won't be this way when I am older!

Here are a couple of recent examples:

~ Patient to me "You're crazy!" Me: " No I'm Not." Patient: " Yes you are"

~ Today I had to smile at the way one of my nursing home patients in his early 90s talked to me. Yesterday he called me honey. Not so today! When I approached him for therapy (granted it was the 3rd time due to his earlier refusals), I said hi. He looked at me and said "bye bye" and he then proceeded to tell me to " leave his room" and "go to your own home!" So when I accepted his refusal and nicely said see you tomorrow, his reply included a bad word.

Love it!!!

Why I Took a Picture of the License Plate of a Random Stranger?

For sure we all see things in real life we want to photograph, sometimes we get a chance, sometimes we don't!

No one really reads this blog anyway! So this is being shared here for those on my online church forum that is in many ways like an online congregation! Today I met one of the ladies from that forum and had a wonderful time. She is from a state hundreds of miles away, and she had been in town for the wedding of a loved one. The only damper was that another local friend from that forum was unable to join us as she wasn't feeling well.

We met for a couple hours, went to lunch and drove around and then I dropped this sister off at the airport.

We ate lunch at a marina near National Airport. We had a fun time occasionally referring to some of the threads on our forum and thinking of the posters from our forum with friendship. This sister impressed me when she offered a prayer before we ate. I forget her exact words but essentially she prayed words  for the "well-being of all on our forum, wherever they may be in the world", it was touching to hear. After we ate, we walked out to the marina and took a couple pictures!

We also had a brief "soda can toast" to our forum friends, including one who got married today!!!

So for the point of this post, as we walked to the car, this personalized license plate caught our eyes!!!

Those who are familiar with our forum will need no explanation of the meaning of this particular plate:


And for the benefit of those who are not familiar with our forum, the term on the license plate refers to the nickname that one of our beloved posters uses to refer to her husband!
Anyway. Maybe you had to be there! Maybe you just have to be familiar with the quirkiness of our forum!

But we loved that personalized license plate and hope you do too!

Lessons in Life from Tic Tac Toss

Recently I helped at the elementary school carnival because a friend from church was in charge of her daughter's elementary school carnival, and I wanted to support my friend in her endeavor.

My friend assigned me to be at the "tic tac toss" game which is just like tic tac toe with bean bags. The object of the game is that the children had to toss three bean bags in a row, either across, up/down, or diagonal! If the child got "three in a row" then they got a fake dollar that they could redeem for prizes.

The tic tac toe grid, oulined on the floor with masking tape, was quite huge! I would guess that each square was about 18 square inches. There were three lines for the children- one close to the grid for the smallest childen, then a medium line and one line further away for the oldest/tallest kids.

The children were friendly, and a bonus was that it was nice to see several of the familes from church.

But what stunned me was that so many of the children did not seem to wish to challenge themselves in terms of their bean bag tossing! So many children tossed the bean bags to the closest horizonal row, thus essentially assurring themselves of an "easy dollar". Very few kids aimed diagonally or at the furthest row. Some kids actually told me (or I overheard them) saying that they liked this game because it was easy and that they knew they'd get one of the fake dollars.

There was one boy and his friend who came back and I told them they had to make it more challenging- so I suggested they close their eyes to toss - and they did! And when they came back, they did it backwards. Then later I overheard one of the boys telling someone that I made it harder for him! Yeah! There were a couple people who challenged themselves by tossing from a few feet BEYOND the furthest masking tape line. Kudos to those folks!

Another interesting experience, at the end of the night, as I was cleaning up, one girl came up to me and simply asked for the fake dollars! She told me she had been late to the carnival, and so so hadn't had a chance to get many fake dollars. Too bad for her! In actuality, I suggested that she help me clean up a bit and then I would give her some. She complied by helping me pick up some of the beans that had fallen out of the homemade bean bags! The beans blended into the floor design at the school, and she was a good help and earned her 4 dollars!

Perhaps I should have been a more demanding game hostess. While I think I met my lifetime quota of helping in a tic tac toe toss (thank goodness no nightmares and the mild soreness from 2 hours of bending up and down to retrieve bean bags only lasted a couple days), IF I ever do this again, I will definitely demand more challenge from all the contestants!

The following Monday, I told one of my coworkers about the tic tac toe toss experience, he is a former Marine and works extremely diligently in many areas of his life, from his family to his work to his personal pursuits. I thought he'd concur with my perspective. Rather he just kind of laughed and told me the kids were smart and that their taking the easy way was "strategy"! I see his point! But still- the kids will have to work hard in life!

On a serious note, I am sure they work hard in their school work, activities, family life,etc. So I respect my coworkers perspective of the kids just demonstrating good strategy! And in full disclosure, there were a few instances where I felt bad the kids missed and so I sort of rationalized that they got 3 in a row when they really didn't. And there were a couple kids that knew I was aiding them.

But the biggest lesson was one that was somewhat deeply personal. The day of the tic tac toe toss was also the first time I'd gone to the Temple in quite awhile. The Temple experience was a reminder for me of how much is expected of me to faithfully try do in life to do what Heavenly Father expects of me. I've been struggling feeling like I'm trying my best to do a good job in life, yet not doing so well in some areas. So the Temple experience mingled with the Tic Tac Toss experience made me contemplate a little of how hard life is and a reminder of the importance of doing things properly and to do so in a way pleasing to Heavenly Father.

These kids are going to have to work hard in life- somuch is expected of today's kids. All of us must work hard in life, in family stuff, in work, in social relaionships. Things do not nor should they come too easy! (unless of course you are a child seeking to enjoy a fun-filled school carnival on Friday night!)

I feel like I've tried, been squeezed, challenged, crushed. I feel like Heavenly Father is demanding a lot of me, and I want to do my best in all areas! Yet while I am very aware of my blessings, and while I don't wish to sound like a whiner, it sometimes hurts deeply to be this age and still single. No "prize" of a loving spouse despite sometimes feeling I've "worked hard"! Oh well!

Anyway, enough rambling about the Tic Tac Toss! But I am grateful that the experience helped me remember the importance of doing better at challenging myself and not minding as much when Heavenly Father tests me and challenges me. Due to challenges inherent in life, life is not always easy,  and that is a good thing!

Random Thoughts from Today

"What if you woke up today with only the things that you thanked God for yesterday?" - Author Unknown
On facebook, I am on the SugarDoodle fan page. Tonight they posted as their status the above quote- such power in that thought! I love it! I think it would be great if someone made a movie based on the concept involved in that thought. But even if there is no movie, I will try to be better at remembering the importance of having true gratitude in my heart.

DADDY! DADDY!
Another random thought today came courtesy of a patient at the nursing home. She is a sweet lady who has a loving family , this lady also has some dementia. This lady has a broken her arm, and I was working with her as we began a new step in her healing process, for her arm is finally out of a cumbersome cast that she has had to endure for a few weeks, and we can begin trying to move it gently.

Despite this lady having had her pain medication, and even though I tried to be as gentle as possible in moving the joints of her arm, she cried out "Daddy! Daddy!" [I knew she was saying, Daddy, Daddy- come rescue me from this OT! She was unable to tolerate one particular joint movement, hopefully next week will be better for her. ] She called and cried out for her Daddy several times! It made me feel sad in that this lady's father has obviously passed away. I told her your Dad and Mom love you but they can't be here right now. I also told her that her Heavenly Father loved her.

This lady has a long road ahead of her as she continues to recover, luckily she has good loving support from her family.

This past Wednesday at Institute, we had a really good lesson about the importance of prayer. The way this lady called out for her Daddy also made me think of prayer and how we all can alway use prayer to turn to our Father in Heaven, to Whom we can call and cry out when we go through our times of despair, pain and distress in life.

Enough thinking! Time for me to get busy making chocolate chip cookies for an event tomorrow!