Complaints of the Soul

This past Saturday, I worked. Though I didn't realize it at the time, the word "complaint" ended up being a sort of buzz word for my day. I was sitting with two patients. In nursing home land, we hear lots of complaints, as well as compliments. And I can understand complaints, be they not sleeping well, a roommate who snores, a medical concern, a call bell not answered promptly or whatever. The concerns are valid and we need to help remedy them to the extent possible.

So today we sat in the therapy room and one lady complained about something. Meanwhile, another lady shook her head at me and said, "what a job, listening to people complain all day." Later in the day, another lady asked me how I was when I replied with the cliche of , "I can't complain", she replied, "that's good because no one listens anyway." True, not good to hear complaints though oft times they are justified.

I finished work, went home and took a shower and then completed the making of the sacrament bread for today in our ward. (we started this as an activity day activity but there were some loose ends to finish). It was a spiritual process, while I finished the preparations I played some hymns- the Easter hymns and even the Christmas ones.

Meanwhile inside I felt frustrated with a couple challenging situations in life. My patriarcal blessing states I am sensitive and this is a factor in what might be an overreaction. So around 2AM as I tried to fall asleep, I thought of the complaints of my heart and soul. I know there are zillions of ways in which I need to improve, as I have zillions and zillions of weaknesses. Yet I also have some strengths and basically I felt hurt by several people in my real life. It involves not feeling appreciated. I don't expect a lot, just a little simple courtesy and kindness. It involves trying to be friendly to people and feeling they don't want to be my friend, the way men aren't friendly and treat with such formality, "Hi Sister So and So" instead of caring to be a friend. I am not a slut, yet sometimes do feel hurt that men don't seem to want to just be a kind friend. Also there is some frustration with the way LDS single men act. Unless they like you, they don't talk to you as they think you like them. It is really strange, though I realize it could be my own faulty perception.

I do appreciate the kindness the older men in nursing home land demonstrate. They are a good example for younger men- in that the older men can be friendly and give and receive friendship without it being misinterpreted. Other frustrations involve my own self and relate to feeling like I am trying to keep commandments and be good yet not having certain real blessings to show for it. Ok, not entirely true in that I have good physical health, a good job, a place to live, a car. I have many blessings, it is just sometimes I wish I had the things many others seem to have by this point in life. So I do try to be happy for others who are married and have families and a normal life. I feel bad when I complain in prayer, I know the problems of so many millions of others are so much weightier than my own tiny bundle of frustrations, complaints and heartaches.

So tonight as I finished preparing that sacrament bread, I played different hymns- "I Know That My Redeemer Lives" was one of the hymns that I heard. One of the lines in this beautiful hymn boldly and lovingly states, "..He lives to hear my soul's complaint". So as I tried to fall asleep, I felt gratitude for that particular line and how Heavenly Father does listen to me-- complaints and all. Anyway, this lyric gave me comfort and strength. I do hope to be better at expressing gratitude and appreciation to Him and not just feeling like I turn to Him in times of difficulty.

Anyway, as that lady told me today, no one may really care about my complaints. Even so, while no one may care about the complaints of my soul, but my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ do, and that is enough comfort for me.